Today, Blogger went code blue.  Is this an orgy of color, expectation,  out pouring of peace on earth and cheerful music disguised as a trolling for parking spaces, the point of giving missed, and days of wrestling with the oven or a call for patience?

A weakness in my personality leads me to make promises that are almost impossible to keep as a way to make myself do extraordinary things.  Regardless of how spectacular the end results often are, it’s a pattern I’d prefer to leave where I left my diapers, training wheels, acne medicine, credit card debt and bad choices in men.  Be.hind.

There is great gnashing of teeth because I haven’t yet.    A few weeks ago, in a post on the original cooked heads, I announced, quietly, to my credit, that it would be the last one in blogspot and that I’d be moving the site to here, Churchill.

I could blame the flu that caught me that evening, or I could be honest.   Oh let’s be honest, shall we?  I have no idea what to do with this space, and the question isn’t really as much about cyber space as it is about the space I occupy. There’s less of it than there was when I started cookedheads, but I’m not really surprised to find that the mere state of there being less of me isn’t enough to fill the next chapter of my life.  I crave something bigger than can be filled by a pair of linen slacks four sizes smaller than my fat jeans.  The “something” is the snag and why cookedheads is still at blogspot.

It’s often easier for me to start with what doesn’t work so here goes:

1. Drama.   I don’t want change/upheaval for the mere sake of plowing under my current life
2. Money.  If I had a billions dollars, I’d give a lot most of it away, and live a life fairly similar to what I have now other than my address would change. I’d also entertain my friends in ways that required them to have passports, and I’d trade money with gifted people for the privilege of access to the talents and passions they have that I lack.  Other than that, wealth would make almost no difference in my life.   Money is merely game tokens and after a certain point, having more doesn’t make the game any better.
3. Sacrifice.  Now, when I realized I felt this way, I immediately began to feel anxious because there is a core  belief system built into most of our psyches that insists nothing can be gain with out sacrifice and in some ways, I agree with that.  If you’re going to be a prima ballerina and you have a penis, you’re going to have to fix that, unless you’re willing dance with Les Ballets Trockadero de Monte Carlo, in which case, it’s not sacrifice because you really don’t want the penis in the first place.   I know, it’s a stretch, but you see my point.     If you want X badly enough, you’ll be more than willing to give up your Y.  What I’m looking for is something I want that much.
4. Isolation.  Not that reflective solitude and singular experiences have no merit, but I have zero interest in doing amazing things by myself.  There is no delight in owning anything unshared~~Seneca
5. Fear. Other people’s, not mine.  The only way I’ve ever gotten rid of a single fear was by looking it in the face and seeing the truth of it, which is: it doesn’t exist, whatever “it” is.  That’s fine for me.  It’s even my part of my job as a human being, but it’s not part of my job to force other people to face their fears so I won’t be opening restaurant or circumnavigating the globe in a hot air balloon because my husband would flip.

Now that the easy part is done… (long, as in weeks long, pause…)

Nope.. got nothing.   Until I do, please feel free to wag your finger accusingly at my lack of direction.  I’ll be hashing and parsing it all out at http://cookedheads.blogspot.com